FIFTEEN VILLAINS THAT WOULD NEED A DETROIT CRIMINAL ATTORNEY AVAILABLE ON SPEED DIAL 24/7!
I have compiled a list of my favorite gangtas/villains, whom I would in real life, love to represent as clients. A true criminal defense attorney’s dream fantasy representation villain/gangsta lineup! Since many lawyers will be lawyering, home schooling, and social distancing from home, remotely for a couple weeks due to the Coronavirus (COVID-19), my compilation may be the go-to movie list for quarantined attorneys, potential clients, or anyone who is on the brink of quarantine or in quarantine status – or impending madness.
The list (and a bad attempt at humor with commentary) is as follows:
- THE JOKER. Mr. Joker of the Batman series is a legend. Truly a character, he would be a fun client to interact with; just be sure not to make him mad. He likes to blow up the spot in grand fashion and laugh about it while he watches you burn!
- Patrick Bateman of AMERICAN PSYCHO, the talented Wall Street banker with a hyped sense of controlled violence, who cleans rooms, the murder scene before the murders, while playing 80s classics or classical music, during the chop-chop butcher session. My man has issues!
- Dr. Evil of the AUSTIN POWERS series (my favorites were ‘The Spy Who Shagged Me’ and ‘Goldmember’), the pinkie-to-mouth wielding diminutive bald, bad guy aka “The Super Villain of the World,” would be at the top of my list. Would love the global notoriety, outside of being the Detroit criminal attorney who gets results, having that stretch to Space would be even more enticing! Would be a challenge cross examining the hilarious Shag master himself, Austin Powers tho!
- King Joffrey Baratheon of A GAME OF THRONES: His list of royalty business-ordered murders is long, legendary, and distinguished.
- Annie Wilkes of MISERY definitely would have to move to have the ankle crushing betwix the wood blocks with the sledgehammer scene suppressed! Ouch! Other than that, she seems like a nice lady with a tad bit of an anger problem! Wouldn’t want her as my #1 fan – she doesn’t take rejection well!
- Dexter, of the Showtime series DEXTER, of serial killer fame being employed as a blood spatter analyst for the… hmmm… Miami Police – you just never know these days!
- “Nucky” Thompson of the HBO series BOARDWALK EMPIRE: Son of the local Sheriff, Corrupt Politian – Gangster – Prohibition Pimp Extraordinaire, who had no shame in his game in his delivery of illegal products to paying customers. “We have whiskey, wine, song, and slot machines…” the ultimate bad guy who knows how to keep his customers happy! He had quite the haberdasher as well!
- The SOPRANOS of the HBO legendary series. Tony Soprano and the crew would keep an army of Detroit criminal attorneys busy 24/7/365 – nevertheless, those guys would keep me laughing, in court all the time and sleep depraved as well!
- AMERICAN GANGSTER with Denzel Washington at his best! In my opinion, the movie is an American classic! He would be a picture-perfect client to represent in his role as the Notorious Harlem drug kingpin, Frank Lucas, up until the time he became a cooperating witness – buck – representation stops there for me!
- Norman Bates of PSYCHO: Really not much to say about this movie icon, other than absolutely no meetings at the Bates Motel with him and his “mother,” and they would have to agree to a psych/forensic evaluation before trial to tell me what I already know about them – crazy AF!
- Lord Voblemort of HARRY POTTER fame: This guy would definitely need to experience a full facial makeover before trial, to be able to even sit with me at the defense counsel table! He has a face only a mother could respect! He certainly is not on the Hogwarts Christmas list, more like on their most wanted list!
- THE GODFATHER – I, II and III – Vito and Michael Corleone would be more like representing an O.J. Simpson-type client – in an endearing family environment. It gets no better! Step aside, Tom Hagen, Detroit criminal attorney and trial lawyer extraordinaire is on the case on behalf of – The Corleone Family!
- TRAINING DAY: Again, another Denzel Washington masterpiece, as Detective Alonzo Harris. Well, he would have kept the representation action packed no doubt if he would have made it to trial, but the Russian mafia took care of that. Nevertheless, I’m sure he would’ve had many civil, criminal, and administrative interactions with the law, before his untimely death; definitely a memorable character. Favorite line in that movie is when he was schooling his mentee for the day…“It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove!” So true!
- NEW JACK CITY: Main villain: Nino Brown – smooth, cool, violent temperament, and had a great sense of fashion/style! Being the oft bespoke, dapper, fashionably dressed barrister extraordinaire myself, we would look good at the counsel table! Would give anything to substitute a response to an annoying objection from a prosecutor with a “Sit yo five-dollar ass down before I make change!”
- Ghost of the STARZ series POWER. “Ghost” would be a west side Detroit criminal attorney’s dream client, if there ever was one. I can relate (understanding I’m from the west side), and with confidence make that statement, “West Siiide!” Definitely a drama-filled representation which I could have certainly managed and enjoyed, short of what happened to his lawyer, Joe Proctor in the end; not really big on how brother counsel met his maker!
In conclusion, as a criminal defense lawyer (speaking in real life now), we meet a lot of interesting characters with jaw-dropping personalities, backgrounds, and stories to tell. I just wanted to, for a minute, drift into the fantasy La La Land (of the Hollywood criminal defense legal type) to just reverie about how it would feel be to be the esteemed criminal attorney representing these criminal iconic villains/gangstas and what “spice” they would give to my criminal practice.
Well, now, back to reality and business. If you are facing any criminal defense charges/indictments and/or investigations, feel free to give me a call or text me at 313-694-8400. I am the Detroit criminal attorney who will protect your rights and preserve your freedom! Call Now!